Why me?

When I was diagnosed, I couldn’t help but ask myself the existential question of “Why me? Why did I get cancer?”

I had a lot of ideas.

What maybe caused my cancer:

• Dirty martinis
• IPAs
• Binge drinking
• Drinking on antibiotics
• Marijuana
• Bottling my emotions & not listening to my intuition
• Genetics
• Using my grandparents spirometer as a game when they had cancer
• Calling the condo where they died ‘the death dungeon’ when I stayed in it during quarantine
• The tattoos I got honoring said grandparents and aunt who died of cancer
• Religiously eating Hot Pockets as a youth
• Requesting my friends call me a survivor of pneumonia, a life threatening disease
• Not wearing sunscreen because my dad told me Syrians don’t get skin cancer
• Sleeping with my cell phone under my pillow
• Daydreaming about taking months off of work
• Vaccines
• Getting the first two shots of Gardasil but never getting the third (…twice)
• Organizing blood drives largely because it’s a very lazy way to save lives and donating burns calories
• Middle school AIM bullying
• Most decisions I made in college
• The house I lived in during college where a mushroom grew in the second floor shower
• Being born around Area 51 and nuclear bombs
• Microwaving plastic
• Vaping (probably not though — I’ve never purchased my own Juul)
• Skipping workout classes more than attending them
• Switching to natural deodorant but switching back when it was counterproductive
• Not questioning my own political opinions and following my republican parents until I was 23
• Judging other people as a reprieve from judging myself
• Benefitting from the patriarchy
• McDonalds (probably not though — I always get a diet coke)
• Wondering who would tell me they were in love with me if I got cancer (no one yet but there’s still time)
• Inconsistent showering and below average basic hygiene
• Running behind a mosquito truck in Jamaica in 2004
• Thinking life had no consequences
• Calling every minor inconvenience the worst experience of my life

The first thing my oncologist said is that there is no specific reason this happened to me. Everyones cells divide constantly and mine fucked up. It happens. Lymphoma is weird and mediastinal tumors cannot be prevented. It was beyond my control. This cancer is a loud reminder that we really can’t control what happens to us. We can only control how we react.

Thank God we don’t have control, literally. If we had more control, I might do something crazy like stop eating fast food or get really into CrossFit. At one point during treatment, I was convinced post-cancer Shannon was going to go vegan and get really into CrossFit. Can you imagine? The reality is I will be ending treatment the same person that started it. Personal growth doesn’t need to look like a radical life transformation.

I can confidently commit to not bullying anyone on AIM moving forward but I plan to continue doing a lot of things on that list. They brought me joy. CrossFit though? It was never and will never be on that list. It honestly freaks me out. Why do they have CrossFit Games? What is this, prep for the hunger games? What do they know that we don’t? I couldn’t possibly be vegan either. I would lose all of my friends if I only talked about being vegan and beating cancer.

Sure, I will make more vegan choices. I will also still eat filet mignon. Plant protein is better for you and the planet than animal protein. Health. I don’t know why but I watched a documentary and it made sense. No further questions, I can’t be caught talking about veganism.

I will definitely still be getting vaccines, specifically the COVID one. I won’t forget about the second shot this time around. The risks are minimal in comparison to my desire to safely throw a wedding sized reception to celebrate beating cancer. This message has been approved by my oncologist. She doesn’t know yet, but she’s invited to the party.

I will drink but I will learn to have just one drink. Just kidding, I will probably never do that. I will spend more time doing things that don’t revolve around alcohol, though. Evidently I enjoy writing when it’s not work, who knew! Maybe I’ll aim for 3 drinks instead of 6 at happy hour. Probably not though. Remember happy hours?! They were so fun!

I will workout and do yoga because I want to, not because I have to. My healing sternum and shaky cardiac health has kept me from fitness, which has been a dream. Doctors orders NOT to workout? Talk dirty. Every time I’ve ever said “I’m so out of shape” (often) was nothing compared to right now. I’m over it though and excited to get my strength back one Silver Sneakers class at a time.

I’ll meditate but will probably skip that sometimes too. It’s one of those things that I always knew would help but it took 2020 and cancer for me to make time to practice. Big fan — it keeps me present, connects me to my body and my intuition, and helps me recognize and stop that whole judging myself and others thing. Taking care of my mind and my body also brings me joy.

Of course there’s anger that comes up when I ask “Why me?” Why did I have to lose my hair? Why is my biopsy scar right on my cleavage? Why did my family have to go through this? Getting cancer sucks. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Not to mention the lasting impact this will have on my life. When all of this is said and done, my tumor might be gone but the transition back to life after treatment isn’t an easy one.

In the spirit of staying present, I will cross that bridge when I get there. For today, the gratitude outweighs the grief. More anger will come and I’ll welcome it. It’ll probably be when I have to cancel my fake wedding because of COVID and I become a #COVIDbride.

I don’t know what post cancer life will bring but I will greet it with open arms. I know I will be okay as long as I stay intentional with my energy, control what I can and not worry about what I can’t, and find joy in the balance of everyday life. I used to say life was all about balance when I ordered fried chicken (instead of a burger) while drinking my 6th vodka soda (instead of an IPA). I mean it this time though, I’ll meditate first.