Unhappy Belated Mental Health Awareness Month
I had big ambitions to write a blog post about Mental Health Awareness month in May. I was too depressed to write it. Unhappy Belated Mental Health Awareness Month!
When I was growing up, no one talked about mental health. There was no self-care, no meditation apps, no collective trauma in the form of a pandemic to force everyone to address how they feel. If you found out someone went to therapy the natural next question was “What’s wrong with them?”. There was no gray area to explore. People ended up getting help when their struggles impacted their productivity. Are their grades slipping? No? They must be fine.
I’ve always been acutely aware of my mental health and have struggled with it since I was kid, falling in that gray area. It’s why I work so hard to present as someone that has it all together. My over-productivity compensates for the fact that my insides have no chill. Can I get a panicked WOO! from everyone else in the high functioning anxiety club?!
Life after cancer has proved to be a dumpster fire for my mental health. Going back to an over-productive 29 year old’s life with the focus of a 4 year old, the energy levels of an infant, the perspective of an 80 year old, and the ovaries of a 35 year old is a challenge.
I embraced the challenge by getting vaccinated, riding the high of remission, planning trips, immersing myself in a 7 day Breathwork Intensive, basking in compliments on my buzz cut, and buying dresses to 3x rescheduled weddings. I was doing well, I really was!
Then I found out I don’t have antibodies from the vaccine. What does not having antibodies mean? Literally no one knows. Am I covered? Maybe. Am I immunocompromised? Maybe! Did I return the dresses? No!
I had B-Cell Lymphoma and your B-Cells fight infection and create antibodies. My B-Cells are still going through it. I support their healing journey but I wish they would support mine. The ambiguity sucks. Navigating what I’m comfortable with in a mask-free world while trying not to physically and emotionally isolate is a balancing act. I am actually horrible at balance so I’ve been sitting on my couch for the greater part of the past two months. The weddings looked really fun though!
Luckily, I’ve been using this time to go back to focusing on self care. It’s been a really restorative two months. I wake up every morning at 8, meditate, make a smoothie, and go for a one hour walk. When I log onto work, I make sure to take a break every hour and log off at a reasonable hour. My evenings are spent reading, writing, or catching up with friends over zoom. I have now grown to appreciate the fact that I don’t have antibodies.
Gotcha! Happy Belated April Fools! I actually wake up every morning an hour after my alarm and make a smoothie (that part was real!). I try to work from my desk but usually end up on my couch. Much more comfortable and I’m here for the small wins. I get distracted once every fifteen minutes so my work day turns into a work night in order to get everything done. Couch-desk makes for an easy transition to my nighttime routine of mindlessly scrolling Instagram while watching Rent and resonating with the most problematic trait in each character. As I fall asleep, I think about how I should’ve spent my day walking, reading, journaling, or meditating more. Can you buy antibodies on the black market? Asking for a friend.
The last few months have been hard but I can’t imagine how much harder they would have been if I hadn’t discovered breathwork, specifically HypnoBreathwork. This modality has been a game changer for my mental health. It’s a mix between breathwork, hypnotherapy, and visioning. I’ve been in talk therapy for years. I love paying someone to tell me I’m a good person. Breathwork is like therapy on crack. You’re telling yourself you’re a good person. It’s reconnected me with my intuition and made a lot of my limiting beliefs crystal clear. Then this lil bout of depression promptly led me to internalize those limiting beliefs as I cried and sang Seasons of Love. Healing isn’t linear, but breathwork keeps it moving.
It took getting cancer for me to be comfortable opening up about my experience with anxiety and depression. I finally felt like I had a reason to struggle, despite how much I have been for a good chunk of my life. That’s not how it should be. Everyone is readjusting to life after the last year. Just because we’re waxed and vaxxed doesn’t mean we’re “back to normal.” Everyone has gone through something over the last year. We’re not the people we were in March 2020. We have microchips in our arms now. The impending new world order that will be achieved through the mass distribution of the vaccines is stressful. Give yourself the time and space to process it.
If you’re struggling, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. There might be something wrong with you but don’t blame it on your feelings. You’re allowed to feel however you feel. Don’t wait for a traumatic experience to validate your pain. Spending your energy dismissing it will just make it linger. Sit with your feelings and be honest about what you need for yourself and from others.
Taking care of yourself looks different for everyone. For me, it’s Breathwork, Rent, and sharing my feelings into the abyss of the internet. For you, it can be whatever you need it to be. Make sure you find it, even if it’s from the comfort of your couch. And if you find it and still have a hard time doing it? That’s okay too. You’re doing your best.
