Purpose & Perspective
I’ve been thinking a lot about my purpose these days. Now that I have time on my hands and life to live, what do I want to do with it? I’ve also been thinking a lot about perspective. In the past year, my perspective has shifted, changed, grown, deepened and expanded. It’s done all the things. I’m trying not to be a perspective pusher here. No promises though. We’re gonna go back further than the past year though. Let’s go back, back to the beginning. Back to when the Earth, the Sun, the stars all aligned.
That time was the summer of 2005. I was an angsty tween spending my nights alone in my room listening to Hilary Duff and Avril Lavinge. During the day, you could find me at dance camp with my friends, slightly less angsty but not much. This “dance camp” also moonlighted as a worship community and all of us tweens were *obsessed* with Jesus. Seriously, obsessed. Deleting-Eminem-off-of-our-LimeWire-accounts-because-it-wasn’t-aligned-with-the-Lord obsessed. Hilary Duff was pure enough to make the cut, Avril Lavigne definitely was borderline. It was a vibe, one that I very much need to unpack another day.
At one point in Jesus cam — I mean dance camp — we read Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. People were CHANGED by this book. Everyone was LIT UP by it. Personally? I was not changed, wildly unenthused. It just felt like another summer reading book. I said I was changed, of course, and went with it. I wasn’t going to voluntarily exclude myself from a community experience. My inner and outer child needed that connection. Realistically, my purpose was no more clear. Since then, I never thought about my soul’s purpose. I knew I found joy in helping people but the “real world” made that passion seem naive. Sure, I found fulfillment through success in my career and my sorority in college. That validation still left an emptiness that I filled with the love of my friends and family over drinks. My life was amazing but I didn’t know where it was going and it didn’t light me up.
Fast forward 13 years. It’s 2018. The Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande saga can’t distract me from the soul crushing angst of a Trump presidency. How am I coping? Comedy. My nights in are spent watching stand up specials on Netflix and my nights out are at comedy clubs. I can admit it, I was a groupie. I loved the environment of authenticity and vulnerability. My favorite comics expanded my perspective and crafted their sets in a way that taught me something. They were so funny, the audience didn’t even realize they were getting schooled. They were genuine humans off stage too. They made me laugh and sometimes I even made them laugh. I had years of experience mastering humor as a tool to half process/half bury things so I was just damaged enough to fit in. Soon enough, people were telling little old me to do stand up. The external encouragement outweighed my fear of failure and I went for it. It was horrifying and hilarious and so much fun. It never felt right, though. I was insecure about my own perspective. What did I have to say that people needed to hear?? Who wants my basic privileged perspective on the world right now? Nothing and no one. So I stopped.
Fast forward another couple of years and it’s 2020. I’m having the best time of my life… No, no I’m not. We’re in a pandemic and I get diagnosed with cancer. COVID brought life as I knew it to a halt and cancer slapped me in the face with my own mortality.
The week of my diagnosis was full of fear, tests, doctors, confusion and chaos. It was also full of clarity, laughs, love and excitement for the future. Maybe it was a trauma response, maybe it was the drugs, or maybe it was a spiritual awakening. Whatever it was, it led me to accept myself with love and kindness. My usual judgement and self loathing was replaced with confidence and compassion. Every excuse I ever told myself about why I’m not enough or why I don’t deserve the life I want slipped away. My insecurities were gone. They were trivial when I was a few days away from death. I was excited about who I was and who I was going to continue to be. It was a new feeling and I knew I needed to cultivate it.
From the day I was diagnosed, my energy was focused on healing my body, my mind, and my spirit. 6 months and 6 rounds of chemo therapy later, my body was cancer free. Healing my mind and my spirit? That one is a more complex work in progress.
Shortly after being in remission, I discovered HypnoBreathwork and it took my healing journey to the next level. It connects my mind and body in order to tap into my subconscious and continue to drop those internalized insecurities. All of those half processed half buried traumas? I’m digging them up, releasing them, and rewiring my relationship with them. My diagnosis lit a fire in me and HypnoBreathwork is keeping it burning so I can take action on the life I want to live.
When I was in treatment I just wanted to go back to my life. I didn’t want people to think I changed. Once I went back to my life, it didn’t feel like my own anymore. I have changed. It’s scary and complicated, but it’s for the best. Before cancer, I lived for everyone else. People pleasing was my autopilot. I worried people were mad at me for just existing. I kept so busy doing things and having fun (and I had a lot of it) that I didn’t stop to feel how I was feeling. If I did, I probably would’ve felt hungover or felt pain or loneliness or sadness. I didn’t want to feel those things so I didn’t. I lived in emotional purgatory.
Not living for myself meant that I was missing out on some of the best things life has to offer, like connection, love, creativity, and presence. I’m still working on prioritizing all of these things. This healing is by no means linear, nor is it for the faint of heart. But I’m doing it, with the support of my cardiologist. And I’m sharing it with my closest friends and family members on the internet!!!
Getting diagnosed with cancer and discovering Breathwork helped me find my purpose. Helping people care for themselves, heal themselves and love themselves in a way that I didn’t do until I got cancer is what I want to do with the rest of my time on this burning planet. I don’t think anyone else should wait for a traumatic experience to take action on living a life of authenticity that they deserve.
I’m going to use my platform, my life, my voice to fulfill that purpose and share the perspective that comes with beating cancer and healing and getting out of emotional purgatory. I still don’t think people are itching for my privileged basic perspective. I just don’t care anymore, I’m not living for other people. They’re going to get it anyway. The people that my voice needs to reach will hear it.
How am I going to live out my purpose? I’m going to show up as my most authentic self at work and in my relationships. I’m going to coach people in their own journeys as a certified HypnoBreathwork coach in order to bring this life changing tool to others. I’m going to amplify voices and perspectives that teach me things. I’m going to advocate for self care and mental health. I’m going to use my privilege to speak up about broken systems and injustices. I’m also going to make jokes to make all this vulnerability more digestible. Maybe I’ll do stand up again. Maybe I’ll start a podcast. I don’t know, we’ll see where my intuition takes me with comedy. Sometimes I’m also going to do nothing, specifically when I need a break to heal and rest. Which is honestly often. I’m still very tired very often.
Healing isn’t pretty. It’s hard and scary work, which is why I avoided it for so long. It’s scarier to not, though. Purgatory might be comfortable, for now. Eventually it may be more uncomfortable to stay where you are. Especially when other people keep moving.
I’m committed to keep moving forward and growing. I’m committed to healing myself, breathing more, putting up with less of my own bullshit, being honest and authentic with myself, and helping other people do the same.
If any of this resonates with you, know you’re not alone. I’m by no means an expert on anything other than my own experience and my own perspective. I have a lot of it and it turns out I need to share it. It lights me up and I hope it can light you up too.
